You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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