there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
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