too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
