The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
