I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
