I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
