just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
