She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
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I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
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I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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