just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
