We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
