That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
