I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
