Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
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