If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
