dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
