No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
