I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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