The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
