I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
