She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
This is my gift to your gina
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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