tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
