Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
