Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
