Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
