it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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