So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
