Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
