Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Never let your siblings swipe right.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
