she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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