My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
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