I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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