today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
