bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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