4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
