A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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