I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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