she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
