Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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