too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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