Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I want to fling myself into the sun
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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