she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
