guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
