Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
