Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
