just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
