FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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