I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
