yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
