what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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