i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Randomize
