ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
