I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Can you repeat that, but with context?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
