so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
