I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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