OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
