woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
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