I haven't been this sober since birth.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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