Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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