The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
