They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
