I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
